May 15, 2011

Soooo many things to do! I think I will ignore them all. Instead I will just sit, reflect, and write. After all, those things aren't going anywhere. At least they haven't moved for a couple of months now. Yes, rest assured. I AM BEHIND...on just about everything! But even still, I can see progress. And yet, when I sit here to write, I am not sure I can recall any of it. Maybe just the fact that I am able to get back on here is progress. It has been over a month and I still feel like I don't know what to say to all of you. I am hoping it will come to me as I type. I know that God uses this blog in so many ways, many of them for my benefit. So I guess I am reaching for some extra peace and maybe as I process all of these thoughts in my head and put them in writing, the picture will be more clear to me.

The kids and I have been richly blessed. Mark would be so proud of them and how strong they have been through this trial. He taught them well how to live with adversity and they are shining examples of his faith and his will to live life to the fullest. They don't let much stand in their way. They have succeeded and even acceled at finishing out this school year. They are wrapping up their team sports this season and have never faltered in their determination to succeed. They are able to talk about their dad with pride and joy and occasional tears and also laughter. They are not fearful or scared about saying "the right thing". God bless the innocence of children. They are good medicine. They keep us going... and in high speed I might add.

We are so blessed to have so many good people that continue to take care of us. I was thinking the other day of how many new contacts I have in my phone. These are all people helping to ease our burden, and they have in so many ways, but especially with the kids. There is no way that I can possibly do everything myself (even as much I would like to think I can!) It is physically impossible. As each passing day confirms this, I become more thankful for what God has given us in so many wonderful friends and family.

"While we don't have any control over what has been handed to us, we do have some control over how we deal with it." I am not certain who said it, but know they are wise! I have enormous admiration for all of those who have walked in our shoes. You survived a huge battle, and you all did it in unique ways. I have no doubt that we too will grieve and recover in a unique way because we all do what we have to do to get by, and for each of us, that is different. I have learned, since losing Mark, some very valuable things about myself. Many of you know of my prayer for strength through all of this. I am finding that my strength wasn't just handed to me by God, but he grew it within me through my own personal experiences. It didn't just come to me overnight when Mark died. It is a strength that was nurtured by my parents when I was a child, began developing from the time I was fifteen, has flourished since the day I met Mark and has grown wildly since the spring of 2005. And so, I believe He prepared me through my own trials and adversity to walk with peace and strength and dignity and I hope I am making Him proud in doing so. How lucky is that and how blessed am I?! Don't we all wish that we were a little better prepared BEFORE the battle. And while I sometimes hated every minute of learning difficult life lessons, how lost would I be right now without them.

I hope this message finds you all well. My heart goes out to the Gertrude Schrieber family during this very difficult time. Mrs. Schrieber was such a joy to be around and a blessing to everyone she encountered. She was blessed with long life and I know is being rewarded for her kindness as she is rejoined with friends and family in Heaven.

All my love to all of you, Missy

Guess I will write....

Well, I was thinking I would write to "feel better". Then I was thinking, "I don't know what else to do with myself so maybe I should just write." Then I was thinking that I don't even know what I am thinking anymore, so who the heck knows what I should do! I know you might find this hard to believe, but I am absolutely miserable without my husband and my friend and father of my children and my co-worker and my lover and my confidant and my helper and my sidekick and my driver and my handyman and my strength and my memory (yes, before cancer and chemo, he made up for my failing memory!) I could bore you for a while with the list of things that I miss. And, unfortunately, the hurt seems to grow bigger with each passing day. Everyday there is something new. Another "first" time that we have done something without Dad. From driving through a drive through to going to someones house, to playing a ballgame, to riding in the jeep, to reprogramming the air conditioner. Everything from the smallest fleeting thoughts, to the biggest decisions I need help making and he is not there. Mary and I have started the 1-800-ASK-MARK line, for all the things we need him for. Unfortunately, he doesn't always answer! I guess we knew the possibilities, but we never really imagined life without him. We had faith that there wasn't going to be life without him and so now have to re-focus on that faith that kept us going for over 2 years. If you are wondering how we are doing, then just take 30 seconds to put yourself in our place. It's likely that you can't even imagine it, but if you can then I am sure you are thinking it would be unbearable. The Brown's are not immune to anything you yourself would be feeling. We are not so special that God has bestowed this awesome power of recovery upon us so that we are just great! We are grieving just like most people who experience death. We are going through the motions and getting by. We remember, we cry, we get angry. Speaking for myself, I am lost, I don't know where to go or what to do outside of the things I have to do. I am jealous of other couples, especially the happy ones, and other families who get to do things together. I don't want to talk. I don't want to "hang on to the memories". I don't want to make new memories without Mark. I want to hang on to Mark. I want to hold him and love him and grow old together with him the way we all plan to do when we get married. You see, I am not any different. I am not superhuman. God has blessed me with a lot of things, but he didn't give me the freedom from the pain I was going to endure through this. You have seen strength through our trials. What I see is that half of my strength came from Mark, and I am pretty sure he took that with him. That means that I am working on only about 50% right now, so I wouldn't want you to expect any more than that lest you will be very disappointed. As for the kids, they too struggle with the everyday. Fortunately kids focus on themselves a great deal and what it takes to make them happy. I think doing this helps them to be less the "dwellers" that we as adults can be. They too have triggers though that lead to many ups and downs. They are learning there will be a lot of adjustments to life without 2 parents. And so....the positive thought of the day....When I began to feel strongly that God was going to take Mark in spite of everything that I begged for, I began to pray that He would allow me to feel Him like never before. I felt I had been strong up to now but had nothing left in me to be able to cope with the loss of my husband. I had experienced loss deeply through my own children and must admit that I grieved in a way that I just couldn't bear again. I knew then that God would pull me out of the darkness, but it took me a very long time to FEEL Him carrying me. My prayer became that I would feel His arms around. It wasn't enough for me to just know that he would be there, but that I really needed to feel Him in order to get through this. Well, I would like to tell you that His arms are warm and tight around me, or that I feel so light as He carries me, or even that I have had some awesome meeting with Mark where he held me and told me how much he loved me and he couldn't wait to get to see me again. Nothing like that has happened, but I do find some peace in seeing the little things that God has done for me. He has allowed me to get out of bed each day, to make sure my kids get where they need to be and be fed so they don't starve, and have clean clothes for them to wear, and to be getting at least a little bit of work done. In time, the rest will come, but it will not be on your schedule or on mine, but only on His, and in His perfect timing. We continue to thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes and thoughts and help that you are giving to us. There is not one thing that I like about what is happening to us, but we do continue to be comforted by knowing that so many people think of us daily and wish that they could do something to ease our pain. I promise that I wish you could also. And if there was a chance that you could ease the pain, I would be the first in line to ask you. All my love, Missy

Hello Again

Well, I am not convinced that I am ready for this, but I really wanted everyone to get to feel a part of our birthday celebration with Mark this week. All in all we had a pretty good day in spite of the fact that this is just NOT HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE! I have included pictures (many of which you have probably already seen on facebook if you are a member there.) Sorry, I am a little partial to the blog, but I will admit that you do get updates much quicker from other sources!

Wednesday the 30th Mark turned 43 in Heaven. (Or 34 if they allow him to switch his candles up there also!) And, while he was probably surrounded by some of his favorites up there, we tried to make due down here without him. Thanks to Diane for breakfast and treats that morning before school. The kids probably ate more breakfast than ever on a school day. You are very sweet to take care of us. The kids wanted to do something special to celebrate Mark's birthday. Abby wanted to have a picnic - and so we did. We packed our lunch and our presents FROM dad, and planned our gift for Mark and headed to the cemetery. Of course we had been having some very nice weather, until this week, when it turned off a little CHILLY. Now the cold is one thing I really don't care for. No worries for me. I knew Mark would take care of it. And, shortly after we got there, the sun came out. the warmth of the sun was just enough to forget that it was 50 degrees outside. That and a few extra blankets!

After arriving and getting set up, we started with gifts. The kids had asked for us to give dad a "rock" like we had done for Angel and Moriah. Not just any rock, but a special one that had some of Dad's favorite things on it. They gave ideas and we came up with a specia ltemporary marker for Mark's grave. It is perfect, and honestly makes me feel a little less guilt about not having the headstone yet! All you Mogul fans, please look closely, to see that we didn't leave you out! Yes, that is blue/white and purple/gold all on one rock! We love you all!

Then it was time for the kids gifts. Many may know that we worked really hard to come up with something for Mark to do for the kids before he died. We ended up being kind of pressured as his condition started changing so profoundly. Writing was out of the question by that time. Thanks to my friend Barbara for taking care of us. She pushed us to get online and pick out some bears at the Build a Bear website. Mark picked one out special for each one of the kids. The idea was to record his voice on a voice recorder inside the bear. It happened that the night he picked out the bears, he really had a bad night. When I gave her the choices the next morning, I was really concerned that we would be too late for him to tackle the recordings. Being the awesome friend that she is, she got in her car and drove straight to Grapevine, picked up the bears and brought them to us that afternoon. Mark worked really hard to get them recorded and try to make them just right for the kids. It was a very emotional and challenging task, but he was so incredible. They couldn't have been more perfect. The kids were so proud. Not only was each one picked out special by dad for each of them, but they can also hear his voice anytime they want at the push of a button. Each one with a personalized message from dad they will cherish forever.

We ate to our heart's content and then ate some more until we were stuffed. And just about nap time, there was more celebrating to do! Mark's family came to join us. They brought balloons for us to send to Mark for his birthday. We all wrote a special message to Mark and sent them up to Heaven. An awesome tribute to an awesome friend, husband, dad, son, brother and uncle. Thanks to Grandmother and Granddaddy , Judy, Cindy and Danny for helping to celebrate and make new memories with us. (And thanks Lou Lou for my new picture. Sure is awesome to see him looking so handsome and healthy!) Time for cupcakes and singing Happy Birthday. So the sun went away. I guess he was telling us it was time to go! And once again it felt like we had to part. We did the best we could and I hope, if nothing else, we can continue to make him proud.

And just because we didn't want friends to be left out we threw in an extra Happy Birthday together with Mark that evening. Thanks all of you for dragging me back out there in the cold for one more "Happy Birthday" together. I know that he knows he has the best friends and family ever. I can just see his big smiles.

This day was just one in a very difficult week. I would really like to tell you that life is great and we are doing well. I am not sure that doing well will ever be in my vocabulary again. I know that many say that time will heal, and given the time, it might help. But, at this point, our initial shock has turned into ugly reality. While some may see that it is over and you have to move on, for us it is just beginning. The toll of each day not having him here with us, to love us, talk to us, help us, discipline us, make us laugh, eat with us, work with us, take us to school, go to birthday balls and ballgames with us, and just be waiting when we get home is unthinkable and at times unbearable. We are doing the best we can, but reality is that we struggle and I suspect we will continue to do so for quite some time. The kids are awesome and probably better than me. We all are immensely sad and hurt, but we communicate well, and we talk through a lot. They have been excellent at keeping up with their daily routines. I on the other hand don't seem to have the motivation, but I am working on it, and it will come. The kids can be great medicine, even in their own sorrow. Thank you God for the blessing you have given in my children.

Thank you all so much for everything you continue to do. You continue to be a blessing to us daily. Much love, Missy, Austin, Landon and Abby

Our Dad, Our Hero, Our Friend

One awesome man went to be with Jesus through the night. Mark passed away peacefully in his home after a very difficult week. He was such a strong person and fought with everything in him. We are very glad he can now rest in peace.The angels were dancing and all the people rejoicing when he arrived. "I Can Only Imagine".

His body will lay resting at Aulds Funeral Home in Archer City beginning in the late afternoon on Wednesday.

A Celebration of Life and Visitation will be held at Faith Baptist Church (corner of Rhea Rd. and Southwest Pkwy.) in Wichita Falls on Thursday, March 10th, at 7:00pm in the evening.

The funeral service will be held at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Windthorst, TX on Friday, March 11, at 10:30 am. Burial will follow at St. Boniface Cemetery in Scotland, TX.

Flowers may be sent to Faith Baptist in Wichita Falls or St. Mary's in Windthorst.

Thank You All

Hey, this is Landon. It's been a while since I've posted on the blog, and I've felt the need to today. I'm at school, and I'm doing okay, but it would feel better to be at home right now. I want to tell everyone that we all knew in our hearts that might come. my dad is going to join God in heaven unless we have a miracle.Miracles tend to happen when He wants them to, but no one wants to see my dad struggle. Me, Abby, and Austin are hanging in there the best we can, but it is very hard for the three of us. We are relying on God to stretch His hands and take dad in if He even chooses to bring him away from earth at all.we are praying for dad, and we have let him know that it is O.K. for him to go if he needs to. He doesn't need to suffer any more than he wants to just for us. We're glad he's hanging on, but we do not want him to if he doesn't want to. Dad means the world to us and we would do anything for him. We are ESPECIALLY thankful for every one's help to us, bringing us food, coming to stay with us and do things around the house, and also just coming over to see dad. We REALLY appreciate all this help.
Love you all,
Landon Brown

I love my family

hi it's Abby this is my first time to ever post on the blog mom doesn't think dad looking any better but there's a reason. God doesn't just take anyone for no reason maybe the reason is angel and Moriah need to see there dad or someone they were gonna live with I'm just glad that we told him it's okay to leave if he can't hold on we may not want him to leave but that's not really our choice is it it is very hard to let go but i know that he will always keep his promise. I hope that he has a great adventure. i want to see him soon so i want him to stay but if he can't and Jesus comes for him it will be okay we love him so much.
thank you so much everyone for helping us we love you all.
Abby Lynn Brown

Sunday

It is Sunday Morning and the sun has surrounded us with glowing light. I haven't yet seen it peek it's nose over the top of the barn, but it is sure to be beautiful. It is still very quiet here, but the night was not exactly so. I think Mark is pretty tired of the bed, but has little energy to move or be comfortable anywhere else. My heart is breaking for him as I can't imagine the position he is in, wanting so badly to just wake up to life being normal again with his wife, kids, family and friends, and yet, in the blink of an eye, know that there is a peace and comfort beyond all measure and understanding waiting for him. You can't imagine the strength he has, inevitably prolonging his discomfort and uneasiness in his human existence. God, be with him. Please reach one hand out to him, and hold us very tight with the other. We are relying on you know more than ever.

Thursday

Times seems to be passing so quickly! How I wish I could turn back the clock. Mark is eating and drinking less and his energy continues to decline. His fall injury has continued to worsen as it grows in size and becomes more painful. Fortunately his pain pills help and he also has an air flow bed that he says is much more comfortable. Thanks for all the cards, calls, visits and food. They are sustaining us.
Love to all. Missy

New Week

Wow! Do you here that? Absolutely peaceful quiet! Nothing but the wind blowing and the sweet whisper of Mark resting beside me. How I wish he would open his eyes and act like none of this ever happened and it was just my imagination!

Our weekend started with a little fall injury on Friday that has been a thorn for him the rest of the time. Unfortunately he hurt his backside. Not good when that is about the only side that is comfortable to be on. We are praying hard it resolves quickly so he can rest more comfortably. Ironically, Saturday was his best day in a while. He woke up almost perky! He asked for breakfast, ate 2 eggs, toast, juice and milk, and wanted to go to the home and garden show! His ambition ended up being a little bigger than his energy would allow, but he did get out for a ballgame and a visit. He even got to meet the newest great niece and nephew. He held one in his arms while we met the other long distance on Skype. That is plum amazing. The things we can do with technology! In his words, "It was a great day."

It didn't quite carryover to Sunday. Sunday was a sleepy day. He was up for a few visitors, but spent the rest of the day recovering from Saturday I suppose.

Hope everyone enjoys all of God's blessings in your new week! With love, Missy

Thursday evening.

Mark had the sternal wire removed on Wednesday. He did very well. It is healing quite nicely, and he is glad to have relief from that pain. Thank you so much Dr. Obney, Brandi and Keith for making it all work. We are so blessed by such good people. The rest of our week has been pretty up and down. Mark's condition is about the same. Still very tired and sleeping a great deal. His appetite and eating are minimal. He started having visits from the supportive care nurses. They will be coming once a week to check on him. They are helping to try to make things better for him, right now focusing on his energy and his appetite. He is taking medication for both of these, and we are hoping to see some improvement there. They have been very attentive, and it is a relief to have someone to call on for any needs that we have.

Muncle Mark has a new niece and a new nephew today. That is right. Two babies born 9 minutes apart to two sisters who are several years apart and live many, many miles apart. AND, both babies weighed the same amount. God is good. While the proud grandparents couldn't be in two places at once, Judy happened to be here and got to be the surrogate grandparent for little Julia. And, on top of that, I could stay with Mark that because I didn't have to be at the hospital to work. WoooHooo!

Thanks for all the continued love and prayers. Still praying for a miracle, Missy

Catching up.

I can see I have much catching up to do. It has been a while. I do apologize, I just can't keep up sometimes. The blood was great. Unfortunately the wait to get it was a little exhausting. There was almost instant relief, and he even said he felt better the next day, but then he was back to very tired again. Dr Diaz was here through Saturday. His treatments were very limited over the last 3 days due to Mark's lack of tolerance for any activity. He was pleased with a couple of things as he left. He feels that Mark's jaundice has improved slightly. He says that the tumor that he has been palpating since the day he met Mark was unchanged. He says that there is some passage of bile through the liver and he is pleased that Mark has been able to eat without nausea or vomiting He left instructions for care while he was gone and promised to keep up with how we were doing regularly.

By Sunday, Mark had great difficulty getting going in the morning. He feels he doesn't have the strength or energy to keep up with his nutrition, supplementing, and treatments. It was a very emotional morning at the Brown house, but it was nice to have some quiet time with the kids to visit and answer questions. Doing so brought a certain peace in the house. Mark can relax now knowing that if he doesn't have the energy to get up, he doesn't have to. If he is not hungry, he does not have to eat, and especially something that doesn't taste good to him! He had a great day with visitors. The kids and I got to see him laughing, visiting, playing dominoes, holding our newest nephew, and actually enjoying himself. Thanks to everyone who lifted his spirits on Sunday. Today was a fairly quiet day, and tomorrow we see about taking care of a broken sternal wire that is causing Mark a great deal of discomfort.

Thank you God for all you have provided for us along this not so yellow brick road. We know so many good people who have taken such good care of us. Thank you for placing each one in our lives at just the right time as you carry out your plan. Please God, give us wisdom and give us strength as I cannot forsee how I can possibly find the magnitude of strength necessary within myself.

Someone pinch me!

I can't believe the world we are living in. Who would have ever thought Mark and I would be where we are now. It is like something out of a dream, only not such a good one. We are still up and down on that roller coaster all the time, or maybe it was the see-saw, you're either really high or really low. You remember how it was always fun to try to balance the see-saw perfectly still in the middle - perfectly balanced? I would take a little of that in our lives right now. I am ALL FOR just a plain ole right in the middle, straight up boring!

Mark remains very, very tired. Dr. Diaz is back and Mark has had some improvement since the weekend, but he is just too tired to be able to keep up with his treatments. Sometimes it is hard to just hold his head up. While we know that the condition of his liver is contributing to this, it is also probable that his low blood counts are not helping him out either. Mark desire is to gain more enegy so he can keep working hard with Dr. Diaz. Last week was a really positive week and he is hoping, that he can get back to that point. He will go for some blood today and God willing, that will give him extra energy. He will follow that with some more time with Dr. Diaz, so busy day for him today.

Love to all, Missy

Fishing trip.

The weekend didn't turn out quite like we wanted. Mark was very low on energy, so getting out of the house took so much out of him. Nonetheless, he did make it out to the fishin hole in Wichita with the kids and Danny and Sherri. The kids got to catch their own lunch. Then they help clean and cook the fish and even learned how to eat whole fish right off the bone (a first for me too. I sure was glad he cut the head off before he put it on my plate!) This picture was the last fish caught for the day.

Abby Singing

Just thought you all would enjoy Abby's latest performance. The girls all did a great job at Grace Care Center for their music recital. Abby was a little anxious about youtube. She doesn't want someone to find her and try to get her! What a smart girl! So, you will have to use the link below to get to it. I couldn't make it a true link, so you will have to copy and paste it into your browser search. Thanks and hope you have a great day.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2FSf_i11dM

Off for the weekend.

We are so excited about having the weekend off. It is supposed to be BEAUTIFUL! Hope that holds out. Mark is so ready to get out of the house, go for a drive, and soak up some sunshine. If it were only just a hair warmer, he would probably have the jeep out for the drive. (I don't count that out yet!) Dr. Diaz finished up a week here on Friday. About midweek, he decided he would like to stay longer with Mark. He sent for his family from New Mexico so that he could spend time with them over the weekend. They have travelled to Dallas to worship at a church there on Saturday and then possibly attend with Aunt Judy and Uncle Donny on Sunday. He actually made a special trip back to Scotland on the way to Dallas to meet us. I was with Abby at a basketball game, but several of Marks family were here and got to meet his wife and 5 young children. We can't thank them enough for the sacrifice they have made in sharing him with us during this time.

Dr Diaz left instructions for the weekend, mostly in the way of diet and supplements. Mark will rest from all "physical" treatments over the weekend. I have to tell you all what an AMAZING man Mark is. I think it is really important to let you all know how very sick he is, and yet, if you saw him, you might not realize the magnitude of it. In fact, if it weren't for his color, I would speculate that you would have no idea what was happening inside of his body. The picture on paper is far different from what we see in him in person. I promise that it is God's work that is giving us each day with him. A friend asked me yesterday, "How do you explain him feeling better, and being able to get out...and DRIVE!" He is a fighter, and he has gone many, many rounds, not just in the last two years, but throughout his lifetime, but most importantly, he has the best man in his corner! Each day He gives us is truly a gift, I can "Only Hope" and pray for lots and lots more gifts. Coincidentally, that is the song Abby is singing today, "Only Hope". It comes from the movie "A Walk to Remember". I watched it with the kids last night. Abby sings the song beautifully, but she had never seen what the song was really about. Let me just say it had been quite some time since I had seen the movie, and I didn't even remember what the song was about! Consequently, I bawled through much of the movie! It was good for me though. It reminded me that sometimes, "miracles don't come in the form that we want them to." Sometimes miracles happen when we don't even realize it. While saying, (or typing in this case) those words is barely possible for me, accepting them seems almost intangible right now. And so, I will keep asking, and praying, and begging for a healing miracle in Mark.

I can't thank everyone enough for all that you have done for us. The magnitude of people praying for him is a constant inspiration to us. So many people asking for a renewal of his health. I just wish I knew what the secret was - how God chooses those he is going to heal. And in the bible, it was so fast. He said to rise up and walk, and it happened; he laid his hands, and they were healed. So I have faith that in the blink of an eye, if He chooses, it can happen!

Mark is feeling fair. He is not having pain, but is very tired and tolerates very little physical activity. He is eating well and does not suffer with nausea or vomiting. His digestion is about as good as it has been since his bowel surgery in January of 2010. He is able to visit and is likely to have something witty to say make you laugh. He is an inspiration.

Many of you ask about the kids. They are doing really well. We are very open with the kids. They know how sick he is and they know that he will only be healed through God. They are very receptive and responsive with Dr. Diaz and he includes them daily. They respond fairly well to the ever-changing agenda in our home. In our busy world, they have definitely been trained to "go with the flow". That is definitely a challenge for them sometimes, but they really try hard to make it all work, and I really try hard to let them be kids!

We love you all, Missy

5 Days Complete

Dr. Diaz has been with us for 5 days now. We are so appreciative of all that he has done. Mark continues to do everything he is told. He is working so hard. sometimes just the trip from one room to the other in the house can be very exhausting for him. There are several treatments that also seem to zap all of his energy. He most always bounces back after a good nap though and is ready for what up next. He has still been very appreciative of the salads that he has gotten to eat and has even taken a liking to the fruit plates as well. Today was the first day he got to eat some meat. Red meat is more difficult for the liver to process. In light of this, it was NOT one of his options. It was grilled chicken instead with a vegetable salad with guacomole sauce. He ate well.
As for progress, It seems very sloooow. While Mark and I both agree that things are better than they were a week ago, it is still hard to be patient (gosh, there is that dreaded word again!). After all, Mark has been "sick" for over two years. Would we really expect that to go away over night? (I know, that is what I would like too!)

The biggest plus is that Mark has only had 2 doses of pain medicine in the last 5 days. That's is pretty good when compared to the 3 a day that he was up to when we started all this. This tells us that there is some difference in the inflammation in his liver, and possibly change to the tumors themselves. As far as the jaundice, there are times it is looking a little better, but then he gets in a different light and I change my mind. Tonight, as I watch him going to sleep, he looks about as good as he has recently. We will see in the morning.

Dr.Diaz has returned to the place in WF he is staying. We Are hoping that he is able to return to us in the morning in spite of the weather that the TV tells me we are going to get.

Hope everyone stays warm. Hope I have covered everything you had questions about! I better go now before I type some garbage on here as I fall asleep! Love to all, Missy

Pretty good day

Day three of treatment went fairly well. We celebrated some success today. Today's treatment was focused on squeezing the bile out of the liver using a very acidic oily solution. This irritates the liver and can produce a violent reaction either in the way of vomiting or diarrhea. Mark was fortunate to only have some moderate cramping and no vomiting. However, he was able to eliminate the solution which was the desired response. Dr. Diaz says that this is a sign that the bile will be able to move out of the liver. He was very pleased. This also meant that Mark was able to eat today - sort of! It actually means that he and Dr. Diaz will eat together. Today on the menu was soup and salad. I promise it was a salad like none other than Mark has eaten. Many raw vegetables and some Braggs aminos to dress it up. You should have heard him bragging on it. I wanted to just fall out over him eating it without complaining, and he was going on about how good it was! We think he must have been really hungry from the fasting! He kept trying to get the kids to feed him more. He was actually complaining of being hungry. He hasn't done that in a very long time. Mark slept most of the day, but he woke in rare form. After the good news and the OK to drink a sprite, he started being a little feisty. By days end, Dr. Diaz felt like he could see a some improvement in his jaundice. I can't say that it was real noticeable, but maybe after we sleep. The days end with Mark's favorite part, the MASSAGE! It's a great way to end the day and make him ready for bed - where he has been resting quite well - without pain medicine! It has been 42 hours since he last needed pain medicine.
A big thanks to all those who have been shopping, cooking, running, and taking care of kids. We love you, Missy

Wow!

That is just all I can say. Dr. Diaz has been here just one day and I am blown away by him. This is so unbelievable that I think I could pinch myself and wake up, but I sure don't want too. If you only knew the flood of thoughts that run through our minds continuously. So this morning (or last night - it all runs together) I am thinking that God might have sent an angel to my house! Nooo, I don't think I have lost it. I feel like I am in one of those Lifetime Christmas shows! The only reason I am not 100% certain yet is that the angels on TV and in the bible for that matter always disappear when their task is complete. Hmmmmmm?!

I wish you could see the smile on my face and the warmth in my heart from what is happening at the house on the hill. I thank God that he has kept us in the house long enough to get to use the back porch for "healing" purposes. I know that Grandma and Grandpa have huge smiles on their faces. To think that the added on concreted floor and screeded in porch and all of its history is being utilized in an amazing way. Thanks Uncle George and Aunt Betty for allowing us this opportunity. While our time in the house may be limited, the memories here will last forever.

So while our most pressing issue is Mark's healing, no doubt we are witnessing spiritual and emotional healing as well. Dr. Diaz makes it very clear that he does not work miracles, but God does and through prayer God hears and answers. We just have to keep doing our job and let him do his. Dr Diaz is open to visitors during Mark's treatment. There are times that there is a need for privacy, and this is the reason they are in a separate room. I would encourage you to come out. I know Mark would love to visit and hasn't been up to getting out as much. I know many have asked for more detail on what type of treatment Mark is getting. I will try to outline more of that in another post. In a hurry to get back home. Missy

The Dr. is in

Dr Diaz arrived last pm approx 7pm. He arrived at the place he was staying and I encouraged him to stay there and start to our house fresh this am. He came out about 0900 and visited for a while about his plan. They got him set up and the work begins! Dr. Diaz is a wonderful person. I wish you could all be here to hear his story and how he came to do what he does. I have been contacted by several people who know of him and are very encouraged that we have found him to work with us. We are fortunate that God has brought him here. He definitely is ministering to us in more than one way. Many thanks to his wife and children in New Mexico who are sharing him with us. I said before that one can't possibly deny God's presence in all of this. These things don't just happen by coincidence. Mark was chosen for this experience and God has BIG plans for him through all of this.

Part of the plan this week is to fast for several days getting his nutrition from juicing. We have been doing this for a couple of weeks now. It has worked well because Mark's appetite has been very low and this way he is able to get nutrition from less volume. So tonight it is catfish for "the last supper".

I will try to keep you posted on our adventures here. Hope everyone is warming up!
Love, Missy

On the road

Dr. Diaz is on the road. He sent a message saying he left at 430 this morning. I have no idea when he will arrive. I honestly don't know where he is coming from or how fast he is able to travel. Just sending prayers for a safe trip for him. Kids are out again today. I think this is starting to cut into our summer! (Which I can't wait for, by the way). More later, Missy

Everyone warm?

It is soooooo cold. Nelda, you must know that some rooms are definitely warmer than others! One bright note is that the "girls" room is not near as frigid as it used to be. I remember not even worrying about dessert because it was too cold in the room to go looking for the dessert!

Mark and I got out of the house today. Mark insisted that he was going to drive to WF. A big thanks to Chris, Donna, Austin and Landon who shoveled a road through the huge drifts of snow so we could get the pick-up out. We ran a few errands, did a little work, and got to visit with Grandma and Grandpa. It was a pretty good day and he has felt fairly well today.

We heard fro Dr. Diaz this evening. The snow has ended there and I 40 has re-opened. He plans to leave at 3-4am. He says this will put him at 287 at approx 9 am. We pray he will have an uneventful trip here.

The kids are out yet another day tomorrow. I think they are a little stir crazy as well. Austin actually said he might be ready to go back to school!

Hope all is well for everyone. Love to all, Missy

Just another test.

Well there had to be some challengesin this great plan, right? I mean could it really all have happened so easy? It wouldn't be for real if there wasn't some kink in the road (or snow!)
We heard from Dr. Diaz a couple of times today. He is anxiously awaiting the ability to be able to travel. He started out at 5 am this morning but was forced to turn back due to dangerous roads and very low visiblity. We had a pretty good lazy day here. Some cards and a little tv, a couple of movies. It seemed each time we got an itch to go drive and check the place out, then someone would have a good "getting stuck" story for us. We played it safe and had a nice quiet day. Hope everyone else did the same. Love to all, Missy

What Happened to the Weather?!!!!

Can we rewind to Saturday? What happened to my beautiful weather. While the snow is beautiful also, I could do without the incredible winds. I feel like the Little House on the Prairie is gonna be pick up and land somewhere else - like with Dorothy and Toto in the Wizard of Oz!

We are anxiously awaiting Dr. Diaz's arrival. Unfortunately, we haven't heard how far he has made it or if he even was able to leave New Mexico. We do hope he is all right and pray for his safety if he is on the road. I expect we will here from him soon.

As for yesterdays appointment, we were able to visit at length with Dr. McCollum. He had located some of the genetic testing that he had ordered early on that answered one of our questions. There is some "targeted" therapy that could be of assistance in treating Mark. This means that rather than treating all cells, the cancer as well as healthy cells, it would Target only the cancer cells. It seems that about 50% of colon cancers are of a non-mutated form and can be treated with this medicine. Mark falls into this group. This medicine (an hour infusion) targets the protein that sends the signal to the nucleus of a cancer cell telling it to divide and grow. It blocks that signal from being transmitted. It has few side effects outside of a skin rash that occurs and resolves after time. The drawback is that it works best when combined with chemotherapy. Mark is still firm on no more chemotherapy. It can be used as a stand alone treatment with about a 20% chance of shrinking tumors up to 50%. He gave us the literature on the drug Vectebix and told us to think about it and see if we wanted to consider adding to whatever alternative treatment Dr. Diaz has to offer. We also discussed a liver procedure to relieve Mark's liver of the build up of bile due to the toxins. He discouraged this saying that a stent would not be likely and a tube placement would present risk and likely alter his quality of life. He was very caring and supportive and will help Mark in whatever treatment he chooses. He says he has had many, many patients utilize complimentary treatments, some of which he was even convinced were effective! We are hoping for the same luck!

Mark is resting, as is the rest of my house! Looks like a pretty lazy day at the Brown house. Makes for great rest! Much love, Missy.

Happy Beautiful Saturday Morning!

Awake in a clean, quiet house....hummmm... kind of lonely. I wish everyone would wake up already! It looks like things are in order for next week. Thanks to all of the help at the shop, and all of the help at the house, and all of the help running here and there, and many, many, many prayers from all of you, we made it through a very challenging week! I can't say enough how much we appreciate all of you who are helping us so much.

It looks like things are in order for Dr. Diaz to come on Monday. We will see Dr. McCollum on Monday at noon, and Dr Diaz should arrive Monday evening. We are looking forward to learning so much as we know very little about all of this "natural healing". And, of course, we are hoping God uses him to bring comfort and healing to Mark. Mark seems excited about his coming and is MORE THAN READY to get started.

This week, we have been doing all of the things that the Dr. suggested we do until he returns. Marks has been the guinea pig for the juicer (to give the nutrients he hasn't been getting in his diet), and the herbal teas (to detoxify his liver) and the castor oil compresses and charcoal and clay poultices (to relieve inflammation and pain in his liver area). He says that nothing has been too bad so far! He has also had a couple of ozone treatments (oxygen therapy) to rid him of the build up of toxins. The way I understand, Dr. Diaz will be doing more of the same type of treatments when he is here with the addition of infusions. We will let you know as he educates us.

Praying for a great relaxing weekend and good things to come next week.
Love you all, Missy

WoooHooo.

Mark is sleeping soooo well. Unfortunately, I am not! His scratching woke me up which started my head to spinning with all of the things I am behind on! The jaundice is making his skin itch terribly. I think he scratches without even knowing. I was wide awake, so I felt like God was giving me an opportunity to be productive!

So many things have been happening. It is unbelievable the way everything has some together. We have been in contact with Dr. Diaz several times since the last post. The latest news is that he will be coming here to treat Mark "extensively" for one week. I must be honest to say that I don't know exactly what that means! And it is amazing that it doesn't even matter! What is important is that, by the Grace of God, a prayer has been answered. A prayer to bring the answers and lay them before us because we are too weary to go get them. Ask and you shall receive! We know that Dr. Diaz is, at present, in Mexico gathering supplies to treat Mark. Treatment will include a combination of nutritional therapy, infusions and alternative therapies. Another house call?! I think I better pinch me. Is this for real? I can't be for certain yet so we just go with the flow as we have no other option. Also, we have been in contact with the oncologist regarding Mark's liver function. He is aware of his labs and the severity of what is at hand, but is concerned that the obstruction msy not be able to be relieved due to its location. He said we would discuss this when we returned on the 31st.

Mark is doing fair. He is resting better. His energy is very low although he has brief spurts of normalcy every now and then. With him being less able to "run" as we are used to, we have been very fortunate to have some visitors to come and lift his spirits. He really appreciates the visits and it is so nice to see him enjoying himself in the presence of friends and family. These guys below had a great time reminiscing on Sunday. They may be older, but they remember like it was yesterday!




Thanks so much to all of you for your constant support. You keep us going with your notes, cards, food, lights, prayers, visits, help at work and at home, help with the kids, and on and on and on. We could never be making it without all of you.

With so much love, Missy

Hello All

I have so much to catch you up on, so I will try not to be too wordy. I know, impossible!! But here goes..... The ski trip went well. The kids had a great time. They got to ski with friends and really seemed to enjoy themselves. I got to ski as well, but am most thankful that Tessa went with us, as well as so many friends. I joked alot about tessa being the stand in "baby daddy" for Mark I hope she wasn't offended!. I have nothing but gratitude for her. It was a huge help. Mark had a great, relaxing, quiet first day. He said he got to sit around, watch westerns, drink coffe and do nothing without feeling any guilt about it. Day 2 was a little different. He (being a man) decided he could get out and ski. It was all good for about 200 yards. Let's just say that he really doesn't have any of the energy he already knew he didn't have. But being a little stubborn, (much like myself I suppose) he needed PROOF! So after 2 and a 1/2 hours, lots of rest breaks and several discussions about pride, I threw in the towel for him and he got a ride down. TNot one of his better days. The drive was not easy, but he was glad he went and even more glad to return home to his own bed.

On Monday after returning we had the dreaded CT Scan. Always hopeful, I had my doubts about getting any good news. We have been seeing subtle changes over the last couple of months that have made me skeptical. At any rate regardless of his physical status, there is no doubt that mentally he is in a much better place. He is closer to the carefree, joking, friendly guy everybody loves to see. Wooooohooooooo.

So, about the scan..... Certainly, we did not see what we had hoped for. Everything that was there previously has grown somewhat and everything we couldn't see by scan before is now visible. Although very disappointing, we were not real surprised. And so we go back to the drawing board. I begged for a sign letting us know what we should do next. If you don't believe God hears us, then you might as well tune out now. It is no coincedence that my mother came to us to get permission to call Maisy, and Maisy in turn called us and we in turn called a doctor who happened to be in WF treating a patient, and he in turn showed up at the Uniform Shop and spent over an hour with us. Can you believe it? "A house call". Does that really happen anymore? Dr. Diaz was very interested in helping Mark if we so choose. He practices alternative medicine. He counseled us and gave us much insight that we needed to hear. While we aren't certain exactly what the next step will be, there are a few certainties.

Mark's status is changing in spite of chemotherapy.

The treatment for progression of the disease is more aggressive chemo, resulting in more misery for Mark. Basically, Mark is looking at chemo in some form for the duration of his life if he chooses that route.

There are alternative treatments available that might be beneficial in treating symptoms of cancer and possibly even resulting in remission of the cancer.

We have nothing to lose in trying something new.

No matter what decision is made we know that we are not going to impact God's plan for Mark, whatever that may be. His plan will be carried out in spite of us.

We returned to Dr. McCollum today. He was very concerned about Mark. The obvious is the scan with progression of the disease, but also his weight loss and his liver function and resulting jaundice. There was a mixup in labs that were drawn, and therefore, he was missing information that he needed. Even still, he laid our options on the table. In conventional medicine. The options are few. One chemotherapy is out due to his compromised liver, and one has been proven ineffective for Mark's cancer. The third option is to go back to the original regimen used following the initial surgery. It is a trial and error option. They offer a 30-40% chance that it would have some effect on the cancer. not in the way of cure, but possibly in providing more time. There are no guarantees, and Mark does not wish to endure that again. It certainly becomes a quality of life issue. Quality is very important to us. Even before Mark's diagnosis, he felt very strongly about being able to enjoy life and enjoy each other.

At this point, we are discussing and researching all options and are to return to Dr. McCollum on January 31st to finalize a plan.
I will do my best to keep you up to date. Love to all, Missy

I'm Back.

Did anyone notice I was gone? I am sure everyone pretty much gave up on me! When I got on this morning, I couldn't believe it had been almost 3 weeks since posting. Wow! So long I am not even sure where to start!

We had a nice Christmas. While not what we were hoping for, it was very enjoyable to get to be in the presence of wonderful family. We had hoped that Mark was going to have a couple of good weeks with his break from his chemo. Not so lucky this time. He spent much of the break pretty out of it, never really recovering and getting back to himself. Finally, after a return trip to the doctor after Christmas and some new medications, he perked up and we got to see the old Mark for a couple of days. It was like a breath of fresh air ( or maybe even a little slice of Heaven!) So exciting to see him cracking a joke or just being able to spend a day with us - awake! That was a great weekend. Unfortunately, along with our trip to the doctor came another round of chemo and the misery that comes along with it. At present, he is drained of any energy and is eating very little, with ongoing stomach challenges. We are looking forward to then end of treatment this week. Praise the Lord!

LOOKING BACK- (Okay, here comes my flight of ideas!)

Santa was good to the kids. The boys have only had one chance to shoot their paintball guns. They are ready for warmer weather! Abby was pretty excited about her American Girl Doll clothes and accessories and has started sewing on her new sewing machine she got for Christmas. The look on her face was priceless when she saw for the first time how the pieces fit together to make a dress. She couldn't believe she had made something, and she was hooked!

A huge thank you to my sister, Deanna, for spending a few days with us. She worked so hard at cleaning up old projects and just cleaning in general. Some things - no, many of them have been sitting for a loooong time. I'm thinking since May when we turned our world over again! PRIORITIES. It sure is great to have some of those things out of my sight!

We made it through inventory! Not as smooth as our first year, but probably ignorance on my part made the first year so easy!! Always learning!

No sooner was football over did basketball begin and after school practice, and games (of which I have not gotten to see), and concession stand working. Austin enjoys being a part of it all. Abby had her first game this weekend. She has been practicing for a while now and has been anticipating this first game. It was a pleasure to watch these girls. Some of them are quite competitive (I won't mention any names!) We are really going to enjoy watching these girls grow up together. Landon has taken a little hiatus since fall. Not necessarily on purpose, but it sure has been nice for our schedule.

Abby has a new voice teacher. She was such an inspiration in just one visit! She makes her work hard and will definitely refine her singing, but Abby seems to respond to her and is excited to learn new things.

Another county show has passed. I am so proud of all my kids. They did well at the show, but even more than that, they have been responsible and have worked hard since getting the chickens in mid-November. After they showed in the beginning that they had it under control. Mark and I took a huge break from chickens this year. We didn't even have to be in charge! I know they didn't pull it off without a lot of sibling "Love", but nonetheless, I hope they take a lot of pride in what they accomplished. Thanks to Mark's sister Judy, my Mom and Dad, and Tessa for coming the couple of days before to help get it all together, and to brother Danny for helping get the birds ready to show. The kids placed 2nd, 3rd, and 5th with their chickens at the show and did well at the premium sale last night. We are so thankful to those buyers who reward these kids for their hard work. Thank you! They also had entries in the Home Ec show. Abby placed second with her doll clothes that she made. Austin placed first for his dipped candy, and Landon had the best overall quickbread entry qualifying him to sell it in the auction!!! And to think, he really wasn't so much interested in taking it to the show, he just wanted to eat it!!!

LOOKING FORWARD We are headed to the mountains this week. We are taking the kids skiing. I can't help but feel it is a little bittersweet. The kids are so excited and ready to go, but I am afraid the trip will not be easy on Mark. We will be surrounded by many friends who will take good care of him I know. Throw in an extra prayer this week that God graces him with strength and renewed energy that he hasn't gotten to enjoy in a while (and it will be okay to sneak one in there for good snow too!)

And when we return, Mark will have another scan done. He is scheduled for the 17th in Wichita Falls and then will return to the doctor in Dallas on the 19th.

Love and a very blessed New Year to everyone. Missy