Hello Again

Well, I am not convinced that I am ready for this, but I really wanted everyone to get to feel a part of our birthday celebration with Mark this week. All in all we had a pretty good day in spite of the fact that this is just NOT HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE! I have included pictures (many of which you have probably already seen on facebook if you are a member there.) Sorry, I am a little partial to the blog, but I will admit that you do get updates much quicker from other sources!

Wednesday the 30th Mark turned 43 in Heaven. (Or 34 if they allow him to switch his candles up there also!) And, while he was probably surrounded by some of his favorites up there, we tried to make due down here without him. Thanks to Diane for breakfast and treats that morning before school. The kids probably ate more breakfast than ever on a school day. You are very sweet to take care of us. The kids wanted to do something special to celebrate Mark's birthday. Abby wanted to have a picnic - and so we did. We packed our lunch and our presents FROM dad, and planned our gift for Mark and headed to the cemetery. Of course we had been having some very nice weather, until this week, when it turned off a little CHILLY. Now the cold is one thing I really don't care for. No worries for me. I knew Mark would take care of it. And, shortly after we got there, the sun came out. the warmth of the sun was just enough to forget that it was 50 degrees outside. That and a few extra blankets!

After arriving and getting set up, we started with gifts. The kids had asked for us to give dad a "rock" like we had done for Angel and Moriah. Not just any rock, but a special one that had some of Dad's favorite things on it. They gave ideas and we came up with a specia ltemporary marker for Mark's grave. It is perfect, and honestly makes me feel a little less guilt about not having the headstone yet! All you Mogul fans, please look closely, to see that we didn't leave you out! Yes, that is blue/white and purple/gold all on one rock! We love you all!

Then it was time for the kids gifts. Many may know that we worked really hard to come up with something for Mark to do for the kids before he died. We ended up being kind of pressured as his condition started changing so profoundly. Writing was out of the question by that time. Thanks to my friend Barbara for taking care of us. She pushed us to get online and pick out some bears at the Build a Bear website. Mark picked one out special for each one of the kids. The idea was to record his voice on a voice recorder inside the bear. It happened that the night he picked out the bears, he really had a bad night. When I gave her the choices the next morning, I was really concerned that we would be too late for him to tackle the recordings. Being the awesome friend that she is, she got in her car and drove straight to Grapevine, picked up the bears and brought them to us that afternoon. Mark worked really hard to get them recorded and try to make them just right for the kids. It was a very emotional and challenging task, but he was so incredible. They couldn't have been more perfect. The kids were so proud. Not only was each one picked out special by dad for each of them, but they can also hear his voice anytime they want at the push of a button. Each one with a personalized message from dad they will cherish forever.

We ate to our heart's content and then ate some more until we were stuffed. And just about nap time, there was more celebrating to do! Mark's family came to join us. They brought balloons for us to send to Mark for his birthday. We all wrote a special message to Mark and sent them up to Heaven. An awesome tribute to an awesome friend, husband, dad, son, brother and uncle. Thanks to Grandmother and Granddaddy , Judy, Cindy and Danny for helping to celebrate and make new memories with us. (And thanks Lou Lou for my new picture. Sure is awesome to see him looking so handsome and healthy!) Time for cupcakes and singing Happy Birthday. So the sun went away. I guess he was telling us it was time to go! And once again it felt like we had to part. We did the best we could and I hope, if nothing else, we can continue to make him proud.

And just because we didn't want friends to be left out we threw in an extra Happy Birthday together with Mark that evening. Thanks all of you for dragging me back out there in the cold for one more "Happy Birthday" together. I know that he knows he has the best friends and family ever. I can just see his big smiles.

This day was just one in a very difficult week. I would really like to tell you that life is great and we are doing well. I am not sure that doing well will ever be in my vocabulary again. I know that many say that time will heal, and given the time, it might help. But, at this point, our initial shock has turned into ugly reality. While some may see that it is over and you have to move on, for us it is just beginning. The toll of each day not having him here with us, to love us, talk to us, help us, discipline us, make us laugh, eat with us, work with us, take us to school, go to birthday balls and ballgames with us, and just be waiting when we get home is unthinkable and at times unbearable. We are doing the best we can, but reality is that we struggle and I suspect we will continue to do so for quite some time. The kids are awesome and probably better than me. We all are immensely sad and hurt, but we communicate well, and we talk through a lot. They have been excellent at keeping up with their daily routines. I on the other hand don't seem to have the motivation, but I am working on it, and it will come. The kids can be great medicine, even in their own sorrow. Thank you God for the blessing you have given in my children.

Thank you all so much for everything you continue to do. You continue to be a blessing to us daily. Much love, Missy, Austin, Landon and Abby