December 27, 2020

      Well here I sit on the anniversary of one of the greatest days in my life. The day of my wedding.  The day I married a wonderful Godly man,  A man far more worthy than myself who came into my life in God’s perfect timing.  A time when I might not have been open to someone quite so good for me;  A time when I had needs that I might have been neglecting; A time when I definitely needed someone who knew the love of Jesus to love me in the way the Lord had taught him and to bless my life in a way I didn’t even know I needed. Yet here I sit, longing for the man I married and the life we lived and the family we had and the dreams never fulfilled.  

       Still I am thankful.  Thankful for the time that we had, the memories we created, the legacy that he left, the love he showed, the family that he brought us into, the things that he taught me, and the faith that he had, the people he touched and the person he helped me become.  Coming up on 10 years that we have survived without Mark has sparked so many new and renewed thoughts and feelings.  The Lord has been working heavily on me  for the last 6 or 8 weeks.  I truly feel like He is preparing me... and for what I have no idea.  I only know that it has made me an emotional wreck and my need to write it all down seems to have resurfaced for the moment.  I return to the blog with a little apprehension, but more anticipation of what lies before me.  This avenue was originally meant to inform the multitudes of people who cared so much for us.  It became the way for me to communicate with a lot of people at one time, and secondarily it became very evident that it was good therapy for me as an outlet of sorts and in hindsight was an invaluable record of some of our most difficult days. As I read I recall how difficult it was to write for an audience.  To be real, but to spare pain.  To give the facts, while sparing Mark’s dignity and preserving the intimacy of the grave situation.  And no matter what to insure the Lord was  the co-author of the literary work. 

       It has been 8 years since I have returned to write.  Last month on November 7th (or maybe it was the 11th...you will see that my memory is poor! Another good reason to write things down!) it became apparent to me that I would be back to the blog.  It was a huge morning for me.  Not many times can I recall that Jesus came to speak to me, but it was one of those moments. Another that I can recall was in 2006 on Hwy 281 after just turning on to the highway to head to work.  I was already into my morning talk with God, Or maybe more accurately my one sided “Why me?” conversation when He spoke.  No doubt I turned to my back seat to see who was there and all I saw was out the passenger window from behind the scant clouds, a beautiful ray of sunshine.  My soul was shook and tears flowed uncontrollably.  My life was changed and I would never again relive that same moment.  I would move on with my life and I would not wallow in my sorrow and I would not ask again “Why me?”  So back to the day in early November, almost 14 years after that great revelation,  and almost 10 years of searching for my direction and I found myself  in another puddle of tears, experiencing yet another overwhelming touch of my soul and wisdom for my spirit.  There was no ray of sunshine in my back window and no spoken words in my backseat.  There were only written words on the page of a book and the touch of the spirit on my heart that has rendered me speechless for more than a month about this event.  I made only a slight mention of something big to one or two, but couldn't even find the words to say or the discipline over my emotions to get the words out.  I have been trying ever since to make sense of it and to fine tune the details.  I have been back and reread what impacted me so, and in hindsight wondered  just why it impacted me so! (So thankful for notes!!} Doing so reassured me that it wasn't just words on a page that touch me that day.  It was the presence of the Lord in that moment that would make change in my life….again.  What change will I make  you say?  Well I haven’t exactly figured that out yet! Who knows when I will, But I know that once again I came to a revelation this time rendering me speechless for weeks and never looking back.  A command from the Lord that I have wondered how I would carry out.  A discipline I have known would come but could never fathom how. I have searched and I have wondered and I have prayed. Now it was done. 

      So I have cried the entire time I have tried to type. As soon as I typed the final sentence of the last paragraph, the tears have dried and all of my words have left me.  I know that i have given no explanation, but my purpose for writing is different now.  There are no notifications being sent.  There is no one watching my blog for updates.  There is no one counting on me for anything in my writing.  It is simply an account of my thoughts in a moment when I have a need. And a means to save a little time as an alternative to the pen and paper of my journal.

      So one final thought.  I want to thank Jesus for setting this plan in motion about one year ago.  I really don’t like social media, but my revelation evolved over a year’s time and started on social media.  After I lost Mark I was introduced to a widow and widowers group online. It was comforting finding others like me.  I never posted but I absorbed every post, comment, suggestion, etc. I needed to be able to associate with others who had walked in my shoes. It was great for a long time but I eventually felt like I was missing something and I joined another group I had found of Christian widows and widowers.  Where the first group made rare mention of faith on their journey, I could now identify with other believers who were walking my walk.  I enjoyed perspectives on both groups for many years.  So the Lord dropped another connection on my screen.  A suggestion for someone I might know on Facebook.  Well I didn't know this gentleman, and I still don't, but I know his story.  Yet another person I could identify with, had like values, offered so much Godly inspiration, and loved his wife like I loved my husband.  I found myself looking forward to his words of wisdom each day.  I was thankful for the spiritual  presence in my virtual world! I am missing that in my real world.  I have had great friends come and go who were wonderful spiritual influences, and filled that void for a season but there is vacancy in those friendships now. Anyway back to Mr. Jones.  Much of the wisdom I have received from him comes from some authors I was not familiar with.  J. R. Miller was spot on and spoke to my heart on almost every citing that Mr. Jones posted. I wanted to read more from him and purchased some of the books he had been referencing.  One morning before work I was reading  “Making the Most Out of Life”. On the pages of chapter 10 is where the great revelation came together for me. More details to will come. I can’t imagine why things happen the way they do, but I am forever grateful for the Lord's placement of the right people and the right resources that allow me to grow and be able to carry out his plan. 

     Happy Anniversary my love.  I love you and miss you always. Missy.

I just found this.....

I just found the following in my work computer. I am always feeling such guilt for not keeping up with the blog. Not only do I feel I have let a great deal of people down, but I also feel that I am not doing what I should be for Mark, or for myself for that matter. I always said the writing was somewhat therapeutic, but I just haven't been able to get back to it (largely due to lack of time). At some point though, it looks as if I tried to get started. I believe this was about mid summer. So much has happened since then. So much I want to say and tell. At any rate, I hope you catch a little glimpse of what our world has been like. It's a start and maybe, just maybe, I can work on the next six months really soon :)



The Brown’s world has been turned upside down in the last year as we watched Mark slip away from us this March. I am sure you can imagine that there is nothing “normal” about the way we do things anymore. If you thought I flew by the seat of my pants before, well you hadn’t seen anything yet. About the only thing I have been able to guarantee in the last several months is that the world is going to go on whether I can keep up or not, so I might as well strap on my lap belt and hold on for the ride.

The kids are doing remarkably well. They miss Mark dearly and are challenged sometimes more than others. In spite of this, they are children first. And, a child’s world should revolve around himself/herself. The kids found comfort in returning to school after Mark’s passing. Everyone was so supportive and attentive. The far exceeded my expectations for finishing out the school year. They all finished with remarkable grades and honors. We had two “A” honor rolls, three perfect TAKS scores and all three kids with commended TAKS scores. I couldn’t be more proud of them.

Austin, Landon and Abby just finished up their baseball and softball seasons and Abby is already headed into volleyball and believe it or not, football is already around the corner for the boys. All three kids started the summer off with bible school in Munday, TX with Mark’s parents. Abby attended and the boys both volunteered. Austin was honored to represent Jesus in the camp play. This week Abby and Landon attended Basketball camp and Austin volunteered there. And as we speak, Austin is in route to Subiaco Academy in Arkansas for a weekend retreat. There is just very little down time. They will finish up the summer with Drama Camp, Extreme Youth Camp, the Diocesan youth conference, Blue Thunder football camp and strength and conditioning. And with all that they are still finding time for the swimming pool, the water park, and spending time with friends. Whew! I can feel my shoulders tightening up just thinking of it all.

Basically, my world revolves around the kids! That pretty much sums it up. I work so they can have what they need, and I work some more so that they can have what they want! I love to make it to the lake as often as possible and can’t wait to take advantage of someone’s beach house as soon as possible!

We continue to be richly blessed by all of you – our family. There are never enough thanks for all of the kindness that you have shown and the love that we feel from all of you. God ……...
(I could finish with many things, but this is where I ended on that day.)






Love to all, Missy

May 15, 2011

Soooo many things to do! I think I will ignore them all. Instead I will just sit, reflect, and write. After all, those things aren't going anywhere. At least they haven't moved for a couple of months now. Yes, rest assured. I AM BEHIND...on just about everything! But even still, I can see progress. And yet, when I sit here to write, I am not sure I can recall any of it. Maybe just the fact that I am able to get back on here is progress. It has been over a month and I still feel like I don't know what to say to all of you. I am hoping it will come to me as I type. I know that God uses this blog in so many ways, many of them for my benefit. So I guess I am reaching for some extra peace and maybe as I process all of these thoughts in my head and put them in writing, the picture will be more clear to me.

The kids and I have been richly blessed. Mark would be so proud of them and how strong they have been through this trial. He taught them well how to live with adversity and they are shining examples of his faith and his will to live life to the fullest. They don't let much stand in their way. They have succeeded and even acceled at finishing out this school year. They are wrapping up their team sports this season and have never faltered in their determination to succeed. They are able to talk about their dad with pride and joy and occasional tears and also laughter. They are not fearful or scared about saying "the right thing". God bless the innocence of children. They are good medicine. They keep us going... and in high speed I might add.

We are so blessed to have so many good people that continue to take care of us. I was thinking the other day of how many new contacts I have in my phone. These are all people helping to ease our burden, and they have in so many ways, but especially with the kids. There is no way that I can possibly do everything myself (even as much I would like to think I can!) It is physically impossible. As each passing day confirms this, I become more thankful for what God has given us in so many wonderful friends and family.

"While we don't have any control over what has been handed to us, we do have some control over how we deal with it." I am not certain who said it, but know they are wise! I have enormous admiration for all of those who have walked in our shoes. You survived a huge battle, and you all did it in unique ways. I have no doubt that we too will grieve and recover in a unique way because we all do what we have to do to get by, and for each of us, that is different. I have learned, since losing Mark, some very valuable things about myself. Many of you know of my prayer for strength through all of this. I am finding that my strength wasn't just handed to me by God, but he grew it within me through my own personal experiences. It didn't just come to me overnight when Mark died. It is a strength that was nurtured by my parents when I was a child, began developing from the time I was fifteen, has flourished since the day I met Mark and has grown wildly since the spring of 2005. And so, I believe He prepared me through my own trials and adversity to walk with peace and strength and dignity and I hope I am making Him proud in doing so. How lucky is that and how blessed am I?! Don't we all wish that we were a little better prepared BEFORE the battle. And while I sometimes hated every minute of learning difficult life lessons, how lost would I be right now without them.

I hope this message finds you all well. My heart goes out to the Gertrude Schrieber family during this very difficult time. Mrs. Schrieber was such a joy to be around and a blessing to everyone she encountered. She was blessed with long life and I know is being rewarded for her kindness as she is rejoined with friends and family in Heaven.

All my love to all of you, Missy

Guess I will write....

Well, I was thinking I would write to "feel better". Then I was thinking, "I don't know what else to do with myself so maybe I should just write." Then I was thinking that I don't even know what I am thinking anymore, so who the heck knows what I should do! I know you might find this hard to believe, but I am absolutely miserable without my husband and my friend and father of my children and my co-worker and my lover and my confidant and my helper and my sidekick and my driver and my handyman and my strength and my memory (yes, before cancer and chemo, he made up for my failing memory!) I could bore you for a while with the list of things that I miss. And, unfortunately, the hurt seems to grow bigger with each passing day. Everyday there is something new. Another "first" time that we have done something without Dad. From driving through a drive through to going to someones house, to playing a ballgame, to riding in the jeep, to reprogramming the air conditioner. Everything from the smallest fleeting thoughts, to the biggest decisions I need help making and he is not there. Mary and I have started the 1-800-ASK-MARK line, for all the things we need him for. Unfortunately, he doesn't always answer! I guess we knew the possibilities, but we never really imagined life without him. We had faith that there wasn't going to be life without him and so now have to re-focus on that faith that kept us going for over 2 years. If you are wondering how we are doing, then just take 30 seconds to put yourself in our place. It's likely that you can't even imagine it, but if you can then I am sure you are thinking it would be unbearable. The Brown's are not immune to anything you yourself would be feeling. We are not so special that God has bestowed this awesome power of recovery upon us so that we are just great! We are grieving just like most people who experience death. We are going through the motions and getting by. We remember, we cry, we get angry. Speaking for myself, I am lost, I don't know where to go or what to do outside of the things I have to do. I am jealous of other couples, especially the happy ones, and other families who get to do things together. I don't want to talk. I don't want to "hang on to the memories". I don't want to make new memories without Mark. I want to hang on to Mark. I want to hold him and love him and grow old together with him the way we all plan to do when we get married. You see, I am not any different. I am not superhuman. God has blessed me with a lot of things, but he didn't give me the freedom from the pain I was going to endure through this. You have seen strength through our trials. What I see is that half of my strength came from Mark, and I am pretty sure he took that with him. That means that I am working on only about 50% right now, so I wouldn't want you to expect any more than that lest you will be very disappointed. As for the kids, they too struggle with the everyday. Fortunately kids focus on themselves a great deal and what it takes to make them happy. I think doing this helps them to be less the "dwellers" that we as adults can be. They too have triggers though that lead to many ups and downs. They are learning there will be a lot of adjustments to life without 2 parents. And so....the positive thought of the day....When I began to feel strongly that God was going to take Mark in spite of everything that I begged for, I began to pray that He would allow me to feel Him like never before. I felt I had been strong up to now but had nothing left in me to be able to cope with the loss of my husband. I had experienced loss deeply through my own children and must admit that I grieved in a way that I just couldn't bear again. I knew then that God would pull me out of the darkness, but it took me a very long time to FEEL Him carrying me. My prayer became that I would feel His arms around. It wasn't enough for me to just know that he would be there, but that I really needed to feel Him in order to get through this. Well, I would like to tell you that His arms are warm and tight around me, or that I feel so light as He carries me, or even that I have had some awesome meeting with Mark where he held me and told me how much he loved me and he couldn't wait to get to see me again. Nothing like that has happened, but I do find some peace in seeing the little things that God has done for me. He has allowed me to get out of bed each day, to make sure my kids get where they need to be and be fed so they don't starve, and have clean clothes for them to wear, and to be getting at least a little bit of work done. In time, the rest will come, but it will not be on your schedule or on mine, but only on His, and in His perfect timing. We continue to thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes and thoughts and help that you are giving to us. There is not one thing that I like about what is happening to us, but we do continue to be comforted by knowing that so many people think of us daily and wish that they could do something to ease our pain. I promise that I wish you could also. And if there was a chance that you could ease the pain, I would be the first in line to ask you. All my love, Missy

Hello Again

Well, I am not convinced that I am ready for this, but I really wanted everyone to get to feel a part of our birthday celebration with Mark this week. All in all we had a pretty good day in spite of the fact that this is just NOT HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE! I have included pictures (many of which you have probably already seen on facebook if you are a member there.) Sorry, I am a little partial to the blog, but I will admit that you do get updates much quicker from other sources!

Wednesday the 30th Mark turned 43 in Heaven. (Or 34 if they allow him to switch his candles up there also!) And, while he was probably surrounded by some of his favorites up there, we tried to make due down here without him. Thanks to Diane for breakfast and treats that morning before school. The kids probably ate more breakfast than ever on a school day. You are very sweet to take care of us. The kids wanted to do something special to celebrate Mark's birthday. Abby wanted to have a picnic - and so we did. We packed our lunch and our presents FROM dad, and planned our gift for Mark and headed to the cemetery. Of course we had been having some very nice weather, until this week, when it turned off a little CHILLY. Now the cold is one thing I really don't care for. No worries for me. I knew Mark would take care of it. And, shortly after we got there, the sun came out. the warmth of the sun was just enough to forget that it was 50 degrees outside. That and a few extra blankets!

After arriving and getting set up, we started with gifts. The kids had asked for us to give dad a "rock" like we had done for Angel and Moriah. Not just any rock, but a special one that had some of Dad's favorite things on it. They gave ideas and we came up with a specia ltemporary marker for Mark's grave. It is perfect, and honestly makes me feel a little less guilt about not having the headstone yet! All you Mogul fans, please look closely, to see that we didn't leave you out! Yes, that is blue/white and purple/gold all on one rock! We love you all!

Then it was time for the kids gifts. Many may know that we worked really hard to come up with something for Mark to do for the kids before he died. We ended up being kind of pressured as his condition started changing so profoundly. Writing was out of the question by that time. Thanks to my friend Barbara for taking care of us. She pushed us to get online and pick out some bears at the Build a Bear website. Mark picked one out special for each one of the kids. The idea was to record his voice on a voice recorder inside the bear. It happened that the night he picked out the bears, he really had a bad night. When I gave her the choices the next morning, I was really concerned that we would be too late for him to tackle the recordings. Being the awesome friend that she is, she got in her car and drove straight to Grapevine, picked up the bears and brought them to us that afternoon. Mark worked really hard to get them recorded and try to make them just right for the kids. It was a very emotional and challenging task, but he was so incredible. They couldn't have been more perfect. The kids were so proud. Not only was each one picked out special by dad for each of them, but they can also hear his voice anytime they want at the push of a button. Each one with a personalized message from dad they will cherish forever.

We ate to our heart's content and then ate some more until we were stuffed. And just about nap time, there was more celebrating to do! Mark's family came to join us. They brought balloons for us to send to Mark for his birthday. We all wrote a special message to Mark and sent them up to Heaven. An awesome tribute to an awesome friend, husband, dad, son, brother and uncle. Thanks to Grandmother and Granddaddy , Judy, Cindy and Danny for helping to celebrate and make new memories with us. (And thanks Lou Lou for my new picture. Sure is awesome to see him looking so handsome and healthy!) Time for cupcakes and singing Happy Birthday. So the sun went away. I guess he was telling us it was time to go! And once again it felt like we had to part. We did the best we could and I hope, if nothing else, we can continue to make him proud.

And just because we didn't want friends to be left out we threw in an extra Happy Birthday together with Mark that evening. Thanks all of you for dragging me back out there in the cold for one more "Happy Birthday" together. I know that he knows he has the best friends and family ever. I can just see his big smiles.

This day was just one in a very difficult week. I would really like to tell you that life is great and we are doing well. I am not sure that doing well will ever be in my vocabulary again. I know that many say that time will heal, and given the time, it might help. But, at this point, our initial shock has turned into ugly reality. While some may see that it is over and you have to move on, for us it is just beginning. The toll of each day not having him here with us, to love us, talk to us, help us, discipline us, make us laugh, eat with us, work with us, take us to school, go to birthday balls and ballgames with us, and just be waiting when we get home is unthinkable and at times unbearable. We are doing the best we can, but reality is that we struggle and I suspect we will continue to do so for quite some time. The kids are awesome and probably better than me. We all are immensely sad and hurt, but we communicate well, and we talk through a lot. They have been excellent at keeping up with their daily routines. I on the other hand don't seem to have the motivation, but I am working on it, and it will come. The kids can be great medicine, even in their own sorrow. Thank you God for the blessing you have given in my children.

Thank you all so much for everything you continue to do. You continue to be a blessing to us daily. Much love, Missy, Austin, Landon and Abby

Our Dad, Our Hero, Our Friend

One awesome man went to be with Jesus through the night. Mark passed away peacefully in his home after a very difficult week. He was such a strong person and fought with everything in him. We are very glad he can now rest in peace.The angels were dancing and all the people rejoicing when he arrived. "I Can Only Imagine".

His body will lay resting at Aulds Funeral Home in Archer City beginning in the late afternoon on Wednesday.

A Celebration of Life and Visitation will be held at Faith Baptist Church (corner of Rhea Rd. and Southwest Pkwy.) in Wichita Falls on Thursday, March 10th, at 7:00pm in the evening.

The funeral service will be held at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Windthorst, TX on Friday, March 11, at 10:30 am. Burial will follow at St. Boniface Cemetery in Scotland, TX.

Flowers may be sent to Faith Baptist in Wichita Falls or St. Mary's in Windthorst.

Thank You All

Hey, this is Landon. It's been a while since I've posted on the blog, and I've felt the need to today. I'm at school, and I'm doing okay, but it would feel better to be at home right now. I want to tell everyone that we all knew in our hearts that might come. my dad is going to join God in heaven unless we have a miracle.Miracles tend to happen when He wants them to, but no one wants to see my dad struggle. Me, Abby, and Austin are hanging in there the best we can, but it is very hard for the three of us. We are relying on God to stretch His hands and take dad in if He even chooses to bring him away from earth at all.we are praying for dad, and we have let him know that it is O.K. for him to go if he needs to. He doesn't need to suffer any more than he wants to just for us. We're glad he's hanging on, but we do not want him to if he doesn't want to. Dad means the world to us and we would do anything for him. We are ESPECIALLY thankful for every one's help to us, bringing us food, coming to stay with us and do things around the house, and also just coming over to see dad. We REALLY appreciate all this help.
Love you all,
Landon Brown