December 27, 2020

      Well here I sit on the anniversary of one of the greatest days in my life. The day of my wedding.  The day I married a wonderful Godly man,  A man far more worthy than myself who came into my life in God’s perfect timing.  A time when I might not have been open to someone quite so good for me;  A time when I had needs that I might have been neglecting; A time when I definitely needed someone who knew the love of Jesus to love me in the way the Lord had taught him and to bless my life in a way I didn’t even know I needed. Yet here I sit, longing for the man I married and the life we lived and the family we had and the dreams never fulfilled.  

       Still I am thankful.  Thankful for the time that we had, the memories we created, the legacy that he left, the love he showed, the family that he brought us into, the things that he taught me, and the faith that he had, the people he touched and the person he helped me become.  Coming up on 10 years that we have survived without Mark has sparked so many new and renewed thoughts and feelings.  The Lord has been working heavily on me  for the last 6 or 8 weeks.  I truly feel like He is preparing me... and for what I have no idea.  I only know that it has made me an emotional wreck and my need to write it all down seems to have resurfaced for the moment.  I return to the blog with a little apprehension, but more anticipation of what lies before me.  This avenue was originally meant to inform the multitudes of people who cared so much for us.  It became the way for me to communicate with a lot of people at one time, and secondarily it became very evident that it was good therapy for me as an outlet of sorts and in hindsight was an invaluable record of some of our most difficult days. As I read I recall how difficult it was to write for an audience.  To be real, but to spare pain.  To give the facts, while sparing Mark’s dignity and preserving the intimacy of the grave situation.  And no matter what to insure the Lord was  the co-author of the literary work. 

       It has been 8 years since I have returned to write.  Last month on November 7th (or maybe it was the 11th...you will see that my memory is poor! Another good reason to write things down!) it became apparent to me that I would be back to the blog.  It was a huge morning for me.  Not many times can I recall that Jesus came to speak to me, but it was one of those moments. Another that I can recall was in 2006 on Hwy 281 after just turning on to the highway to head to work.  I was already into my morning talk with God, Or maybe more accurately my one sided “Why me?” conversation when He spoke.  No doubt I turned to my back seat to see who was there and all I saw was out the passenger window from behind the scant clouds, a beautiful ray of sunshine.  My soul was shook and tears flowed uncontrollably.  My life was changed and I would never again relive that same moment.  I would move on with my life and I would not wallow in my sorrow and I would not ask again “Why me?”  So back to the day in early November, almost 14 years after that great revelation,  and almost 10 years of searching for my direction and I found myself  in another puddle of tears, experiencing yet another overwhelming touch of my soul and wisdom for my spirit.  There was no ray of sunshine in my back window and no spoken words in my backseat.  There were only written words on the page of a book and the touch of the spirit on my heart that has rendered me speechless for more than a month about this event.  I made only a slight mention of something big to one or two, but couldn't even find the words to say or the discipline over my emotions to get the words out.  I have been trying ever since to make sense of it and to fine tune the details.  I have been back and reread what impacted me so, and in hindsight wondered  just why it impacted me so! (So thankful for notes!!} Doing so reassured me that it wasn't just words on a page that touch me that day.  It was the presence of the Lord in that moment that would make change in my life….again.  What change will I make  you say?  Well I haven’t exactly figured that out yet! Who knows when I will, But I know that once again I came to a revelation this time rendering me speechless for weeks and never looking back.  A command from the Lord that I have wondered how I would carry out.  A discipline I have known would come but could never fathom how. I have searched and I have wondered and I have prayed. Now it was done. 

      So I have cried the entire time I have tried to type. As soon as I typed the final sentence of the last paragraph, the tears have dried and all of my words have left me.  I know that i have given no explanation, but my purpose for writing is different now.  There are no notifications being sent.  There is no one watching my blog for updates.  There is no one counting on me for anything in my writing.  It is simply an account of my thoughts in a moment when I have a need. And a means to save a little time as an alternative to the pen and paper of my journal.

      So one final thought.  I want to thank Jesus for setting this plan in motion about one year ago.  I really don’t like social media, but my revelation evolved over a year’s time and started on social media.  After I lost Mark I was introduced to a widow and widowers group online. It was comforting finding others like me.  I never posted but I absorbed every post, comment, suggestion, etc. I needed to be able to associate with others who had walked in my shoes. It was great for a long time but I eventually felt like I was missing something and I joined another group I had found of Christian widows and widowers.  Where the first group made rare mention of faith on their journey, I could now identify with other believers who were walking my walk.  I enjoyed perspectives on both groups for many years.  So the Lord dropped another connection on my screen.  A suggestion for someone I might know on Facebook.  Well I didn't know this gentleman, and I still don't, but I know his story.  Yet another person I could identify with, had like values, offered so much Godly inspiration, and loved his wife like I loved my husband.  I found myself looking forward to his words of wisdom each day.  I was thankful for the spiritual  presence in my virtual world! I am missing that in my real world.  I have had great friends come and go who were wonderful spiritual influences, and filled that void for a season but there is vacancy in those friendships now. Anyway back to Mr. Jones.  Much of the wisdom I have received from him comes from some authors I was not familiar with.  J. R. Miller was spot on and spoke to my heart on almost every citing that Mr. Jones posted. I wanted to read more from him and purchased some of the books he had been referencing.  One morning before work I was reading  “Making the Most Out of Life”. On the pages of chapter 10 is where the great revelation came together for me. More details to will come. I can’t imagine why things happen the way they do, but I am forever grateful for the Lord's placement of the right people and the right resources that allow me to grow and be able to carry out his plan. 

     Happy Anniversary my love.  I love you and miss you always. Missy.