Guess I will write....

Well, I was thinking I would write to "feel better". Then I was thinking, "I don't know what else to do with myself so maybe I should just write." Then I was thinking that I don't even know what I am thinking anymore, so who the heck knows what I should do! I know you might find this hard to believe, but I am absolutely miserable without my husband and my friend and father of my children and my co-worker and my lover and my confidant and my helper and my sidekick and my driver and my handyman and my strength and my memory (yes, before cancer and chemo, he made up for my failing memory!) I could bore you for a while with the list of things that I miss. And, unfortunately, the hurt seems to grow bigger with each passing day. Everyday there is something new. Another "first" time that we have done something without Dad. From driving through a drive through to going to someones house, to playing a ballgame, to riding in the jeep, to reprogramming the air conditioner. Everything from the smallest fleeting thoughts, to the biggest decisions I need help making and he is not there. Mary and I have started the 1-800-ASK-MARK line, for all the things we need him for. Unfortunately, he doesn't always answer! I guess we knew the possibilities, but we never really imagined life without him. We had faith that there wasn't going to be life without him and so now have to re-focus on that faith that kept us going for over 2 years. If you are wondering how we are doing, then just take 30 seconds to put yourself in our place. It's likely that you can't even imagine it, but if you can then I am sure you are thinking it would be unbearable. The Brown's are not immune to anything you yourself would be feeling. We are not so special that God has bestowed this awesome power of recovery upon us so that we are just great! We are grieving just like most people who experience death. We are going through the motions and getting by. We remember, we cry, we get angry. Speaking for myself, I am lost, I don't know where to go or what to do outside of the things I have to do. I am jealous of other couples, especially the happy ones, and other families who get to do things together. I don't want to talk. I don't want to "hang on to the memories". I don't want to make new memories without Mark. I want to hang on to Mark. I want to hold him and love him and grow old together with him the way we all plan to do when we get married. You see, I am not any different. I am not superhuman. God has blessed me with a lot of things, but he didn't give me the freedom from the pain I was going to endure through this. You have seen strength through our trials. What I see is that half of my strength came from Mark, and I am pretty sure he took that with him. That means that I am working on only about 50% right now, so I wouldn't want you to expect any more than that lest you will be very disappointed. As for the kids, they too struggle with the everyday. Fortunately kids focus on themselves a great deal and what it takes to make them happy. I think doing this helps them to be less the "dwellers" that we as adults can be. They too have triggers though that lead to many ups and downs. They are learning there will be a lot of adjustments to life without 2 parents. And so....the positive thought of the day....When I began to feel strongly that God was going to take Mark in spite of everything that I begged for, I began to pray that He would allow me to feel Him like never before. I felt I had been strong up to now but had nothing left in me to be able to cope with the loss of my husband. I had experienced loss deeply through my own children and must admit that I grieved in a way that I just couldn't bear again. I knew then that God would pull me out of the darkness, but it took me a very long time to FEEL Him carrying me. My prayer became that I would feel His arms around. It wasn't enough for me to just know that he would be there, but that I really needed to feel Him in order to get through this. Well, I would like to tell you that His arms are warm and tight around me, or that I feel so light as He carries me, or even that I have had some awesome meeting with Mark where he held me and told me how much he loved me and he couldn't wait to get to see me again. Nothing like that has happened, but I do find some peace in seeing the little things that God has done for me. He has allowed me to get out of bed each day, to make sure my kids get where they need to be and be fed so they don't starve, and have clean clothes for them to wear, and to be getting at least a little bit of work done. In time, the rest will come, but it will not be on your schedule or on mine, but only on His, and in His perfect timing. We continue to thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes and thoughts and help that you are giving to us. There is not one thing that I like about what is happening to us, but we do continue to be comforted by knowing that so many people think of us daily and wish that they could do something to ease our pain. I promise that I wish you could also. And if there was a chance that you could ease the pain, I would be the first in line to ask you. All my love, Missy