Guess I will write....

Well, I was thinking I would write to "feel better". Then I was thinking, "I don't know what else to do with myself so maybe I should just write." Then I was thinking that I don't even know what I am thinking anymore, so who the heck knows what I should do! I know you might find this hard to believe, but I am absolutely miserable without my husband and my friend and father of my children and my co-worker and my lover and my confidant and my helper and my sidekick and my driver and my handyman and my strength and my memory (yes, before cancer and chemo, he made up for my failing memory!) I could bore you for a while with the list of things that I miss. And, unfortunately, the hurt seems to grow bigger with each passing day. Everyday there is something new. Another "first" time that we have done something without Dad. From driving through a drive through to going to someones house, to playing a ballgame, to riding in the jeep, to reprogramming the air conditioner. Everything from the smallest fleeting thoughts, to the biggest decisions I need help making and he is not there. Mary and I have started the 1-800-ASK-MARK line, for all the things we need him for. Unfortunately, he doesn't always answer! I guess we knew the possibilities, but we never really imagined life without him. We had faith that there wasn't going to be life without him and so now have to re-focus on that faith that kept us going for over 2 years. If you are wondering how we are doing, then just take 30 seconds to put yourself in our place. It's likely that you can't even imagine it, but if you can then I am sure you are thinking it would be unbearable. The Brown's are not immune to anything you yourself would be feeling. We are not so special that God has bestowed this awesome power of recovery upon us so that we are just great! We are grieving just like most people who experience death. We are going through the motions and getting by. We remember, we cry, we get angry. Speaking for myself, I am lost, I don't know where to go or what to do outside of the things I have to do. I am jealous of other couples, especially the happy ones, and other families who get to do things together. I don't want to talk. I don't want to "hang on to the memories". I don't want to make new memories without Mark. I want to hang on to Mark. I want to hold him and love him and grow old together with him the way we all plan to do when we get married. You see, I am not any different. I am not superhuman. God has blessed me with a lot of things, but he didn't give me the freedom from the pain I was going to endure through this. You have seen strength through our trials. What I see is that half of my strength came from Mark, and I am pretty sure he took that with him. That means that I am working on only about 50% right now, so I wouldn't want you to expect any more than that lest you will be very disappointed. As for the kids, they too struggle with the everyday. Fortunately kids focus on themselves a great deal and what it takes to make them happy. I think doing this helps them to be less the "dwellers" that we as adults can be. They too have triggers though that lead to many ups and downs. They are learning there will be a lot of adjustments to life without 2 parents. And so....the positive thought of the day....When I began to feel strongly that God was going to take Mark in spite of everything that I begged for, I began to pray that He would allow me to feel Him like never before. I felt I had been strong up to now but had nothing left in me to be able to cope with the loss of my husband. I had experienced loss deeply through my own children and must admit that I grieved in a way that I just couldn't bear again. I knew then that God would pull me out of the darkness, but it took me a very long time to FEEL Him carrying me. My prayer became that I would feel His arms around. It wasn't enough for me to just know that he would be there, but that I really needed to feel Him in order to get through this. Well, I would like to tell you that His arms are warm and tight around me, or that I feel so light as He carries me, or even that I have had some awesome meeting with Mark where he held me and told me how much he loved me and he couldn't wait to get to see me again. Nothing like that has happened, but I do find some peace in seeing the little things that God has done for me. He has allowed me to get out of bed each day, to make sure my kids get where they need to be and be fed so they don't starve, and have clean clothes for them to wear, and to be getting at least a little bit of work done. In time, the rest will come, but it will not be on your schedule or on mine, but only on His, and in His perfect timing. We continue to thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes and thoughts and help that you are giving to us. There is not one thing that I like about what is happening to us, but we do continue to be comforted by knowing that so many people think of us daily and wish that they could do something to ease our pain. I promise that I wish you could also. And if there was a chance that you could ease the pain, I would be the first in line to ask you. All my love, Missy

Hello Again

Well, I am not convinced that I am ready for this, but I really wanted everyone to get to feel a part of our birthday celebration with Mark this week. All in all we had a pretty good day in spite of the fact that this is just NOT HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE! I have included pictures (many of which you have probably already seen on facebook if you are a member there.) Sorry, I am a little partial to the blog, but I will admit that you do get updates much quicker from other sources!

Wednesday the 30th Mark turned 43 in Heaven. (Or 34 if they allow him to switch his candles up there also!) And, while he was probably surrounded by some of his favorites up there, we tried to make due down here without him. Thanks to Diane for breakfast and treats that morning before school. The kids probably ate more breakfast than ever on a school day. You are very sweet to take care of us. The kids wanted to do something special to celebrate Mark's birthday. Abby wanted to have a picnic - and so we did. We packed our lunch and our presents FROM dad, and planned our gift for Mark and headed to the cemetery. Of course we had been having some very nice weather, until this week, when it turned off a little CHILLY. Now the cold is one thing I really don't care for. No worries for me. I knew Mark would take care of it. And, shortly after we got there, the sun came out. the warmth of the sun was just enough to forget that it was 50 degrees outside. That and a few extra blankets!

After arriving and getting set up, we started with gifts. The kids had asked for us to give dad a "rock" like we had done for Angel and Moriah. Not just any rock, but a special one that had some of Dad's favorite things on it. They gave ideas and we came up with a specia ltemporary marker for Mark's grave. It is perfect, and honestly makes me feel a little less guilt about not having the headstone yet! All you Mogul fans, please look closely, to see that we didn't leave you out! Yes, that is blue/white and purple/gold all on one rock! We love you all!

Then it was time for the kids gifts. Many may know that we worked really hard to come up with something for Mark to do for the kids before he died. We ended up being kind of pressured as his condition started changing so profoundly. Writing was out of the question by that time. Thanks to my friend Barbara for taking care of us. She pushed us to get online and pick out some bears at the Build a Bear website. Mark picked one out special for each one of the kids. The idea was to record his voice on a voice recorder inside the bear. It happened that the night he picked out the bears, he really had a bad night. When I gave her the choices the next morning, I was really concerned that we would be too late for him to tackle the recordings. Being the awesome friend that she is, she got in her car and drove straight to Grapevine, picked up the bears and brought them to us that afternoon. Mark worked really hard to get them recorded and try to make them just right for the kids. It was a very emotional and challenging task, but he was so incredible. They couldn't have been more perfect. The kids were so proud. Not only was each one picked out special by dad for each of them, but they can also hear his voice anytime they want at the push of a button. Each one with a personalized message from dad they will cherish forever.

We ate to our heart's content and then ate some more until we were stuffed. And just about nap time, there was more celebrating to do! Mark's family came to join us. They brought balloons for us to send to Mark for his birthday. We all wrote a special message to Mark and sent them up to Heaven. An awesome tribute to an awesome friend, husband, dad, son, brother and uncle. Thanks to Grandmother and Granddaddy , Judy, Cindy and Danny for helping to celebrate and make new memories with us. (And thanks Lou Lou for my new picture. Sure is awesome to see him looking so handsome and healthy!) Time for cupcakes and singing Happy Birthday. So the sun went away. I guess he was telling us it was time to go! And once again it felt like we had to part. We did the best we could and I hope, if nothing else, we can continue to make him proud.

And just because we didn't want friends to be left out we threw in an extra Happy Birthday together with Mark that evening. Thanks all of you for dragging me back out there in the cold for one more "Happy Birthday" together. I know that he knows he has the best friends and family ever. I can just see his big smiles.

This day was just one in a very difficult week. I would really like to tell you that life is great and we are doing well. I am not sure that doing well will ever be in my vocabulary again. I know that many say that time will heal, and given the time, it might help. But, at this point, our initial shock has turned into ugly reality. While some may see that it is over and you have to move on, for us it is just beginning. The toll of each day not having him here with us, to love us, talk to us, help us, discipline us, make us laugh, eat with us, work with us, take us to school, go to birthday balls and ballgames with us, and just be waiting when we get home is unthinkable and at times unbearable. We are doing the best we can, but reality is that we struggle and I suspect we will continue to do so for quite some time. The kids are awesome and probably better than me. We all are immensely sad and hurt, but we communicate well, and we talk through a lot. They have been excellent at keeping up with their daily routines. I on the other hand don't seem to have the motivation, but I am working on it, and it will come. The kids can be great medicine, even in their own sorrow. Thank you God for the blessing you have given in my children.

Thank you all so much for everything you continue to do. You continue to be a blessing to us daily. Much love, Missy, Austin, Landon and Abby